DUMB AND DUMBER
2015 saw Florida advance to the third most populous state in the country. On the surface one would think that’s something to be proud of, but if we look a little deeper we find an alarming trend.
The three most populous states in our country, California, Texas and Florida, are also possibly the weirdest states in the nation.
Seldom does a day go by that we don’t see something strange or unexplainable come out of one of these three areas.
But, while only the 26th in area and the third in population, few would deny Florida the title of the strangest and most bizarre area in America.
We might chalk it up to the fact that Florida has a huge population of retirees, or perhaps because the population is composed of “transplants” from nearly every other states, but in reality there’s no real rhyme nor reason.
Long the butt of jokes by comedians, Florida does little to erase that profile.
Consider for instance, that during the past year alone:
A man in St. Petersburg Florida stole a 20 ton front end loader from a construction site. If that wasn’t weird enough he then led police on a 90 minute chase reaching speeds as high as 25 miles an hour. Each time officers tried to cut off the machine with a police car roadblock the man simply plowed straight ahead forcing the police to clear a path at the last second. The chase finally came to an end when the front end loader ran out of gas.
A Clearwater woman was arrested for repeatedly slapping her 72-year-old grandmother because she refused to accept her friend request on Facebook. Not surprisingly, records show the young woman has a few DUI arrests and a disorderly conduct arrest for urinating in public.
Speaking of granny abusers, an 18-year-old Florida Panhandle man assaulted his granny because she took some of his Christmas parade candy. The grandson also injured an elderly neighbor who tried to intervene.
A Venice woman tried to bail her boyfriend out of jail with her credit card. The only problem was the credit card had been reported stolen. Now she needs someone to bail her out.
A pair of 28-year-old twin sisters in Bradenton landed behind bars after getting into a bloody domestic fight. The sisters, who lived together, were fighting over a vibrator.
A Florida woman sued the nudist community where she lives over the size and breed of her service dog. (A blind woman in a nudist colony?)
The tiny town of Chumuckla, (population 850) canceled its annual redneck Christmas festival and parade because, why else, attendees were drinking too much in previous years.
In perhaps the strangest crime of all, a Pasco County man was arrested after authorities say he attacked his girlfriend with a banana.
The 36 year old man, was charged with domestic battery and resisting arrest without violence.
Perhaps it’s the heat or humidity, but some Floridians seem to have trouble keeping their clothes on.
In Tampa, a woman walked behind the counter at McDonald’s, wearing nothing but a thong. She overturned equipment tossed food around and then stood calmly eating ice cream and French fries while waiting for the cops to show up.
Three naked men in Bonita Springs broke into a restaurant and stole 60 hamburgers, 3 pounds of bacon, and three red peppers. Caught on security cameras the three were quickly arrested but could provide no explanation for their lack of clothing.
A Casselberry man intent on providing a somewhat unique marriage proposal to his fiancée, decided to strip naked and propose in his birthday suit. Unfortunately he went to the wrong address and instead of getting an acceptance of this proposal, he got tasered after spitting on a police officer who showed up to arrest him.
Of all the strange and bizarre crimes Floridians managed to commit, the most common seems to be theft by sticking something down your pants.
In a land where shorts and bathing suits are considered semi-formal wear, that’s the last place one would think a thief might attempt to conceal their loot, but in keeping with Florida’s reputation for stupid crooks:
A man in Deland was charged with misdemeanor theft after a Walmart security guard saw him slip two packages of beef tongue into his waistband. When confronted the man denied stealing the packages and said he put them back on the shelf. (I’m not sure which was worse, stealing the meat, or putting it back on the shelf after having it stuffed in his shorts.)
Also in Deland a woman was arrested on allegations of stealing seven lobster tails from a Publix supermarket by stuffing them down her pants.
Perhaps the strangest, and most dangerous, was one of Port St. Lucie man was seen on video stuffing a chainsaw down the front of his shorts and covering it up with his shirt. He then walked out of the store got on a bicycle and rode away. The police are still looking for him.(Perhaps they should check a local hospital.)
These are just a few examples of why Florida has earned the nickname, “the nation’s largest open air asylum.”
No one can explain why Floridians are prone to such bizarre behavior, but we can’t always blame it on our senior citizens.
It’s important to note that none of the above miscreants were over 50 years old.